Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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