I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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