you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
