lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
