I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
