nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
