ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
