I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
