believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think a kid would responsible me up
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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