apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
