I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
