Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
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there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
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He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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