My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
