Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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