just survived the first fart of the relationship.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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