i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
