They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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