She went from zero to smokin in five shots
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
