I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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