u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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