I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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