The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
