We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
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She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
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It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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