so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
