Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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