I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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