I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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