I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
