I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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