I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
