I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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