I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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