I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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