I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
