I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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