So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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