I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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