Will you blow on my dice?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
