Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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