i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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