well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
