He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
