On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
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