why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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