I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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