it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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