I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
