I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
