i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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