You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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