hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
