I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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