Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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