If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
