I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
