I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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