I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
