Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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