I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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