toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
