i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
